Disappointed Parenthood

Because of the lovely problems with the jeep, and other irritating money sucking issues, we are currently in a poor state of parenting. My two older children have to stay with their grandma because i can neither pay the gas to drive them to school, nor feed them. And this makes me feel like a big fat failure. I hate to know someone else is raising my kids! i know they are being loved, and fed! but its not ME doing it, and THAT is a big issue for me. I am a control freak, not an organization freak, or a clean freak, but i want things the way i want them. especially when it comes to my kids. So now i have to deal with this for a few more weeks. until the paycheck comes next month. and i hate it.
But
God is Faithful.
He has provided food, in care of my friends next door. He has given my children a fun time away from home, which is good that they are unhappy in being there. and today i am HOPING to get help with some medicine expences that were going to be ignored for weeks...and that was unacceptable. SOOOOOOOOOO things are OK, just not my favorite.
I just want to be that BELOVED MOMMY who could take care of everything and never speak a wrong word or give a wrong attitude.i know it sounds ridiculous, but its what i always thought I'd be like when i became a mom. and this far i am very disappointed in my own parenthood.